Telemedicine and the Ever-Changing Legal Landscape By Peter Mangiola RN MSN.
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The New Reality for Baby Boomers….Becoming Caregivers
The New Reality for Baby Boomers….Becoming Caregivers
by Roseann Vanella~Baby Boomers and Boomerangers, these are signs of the times. Another sign of these times has all to do with the care of and for aging parents.
You or colleagues from your office or workplace, leave their “day job” and head off to another job, the job of caregiver. This creates stress emotionally, personally and financially and the boom of this trend is just underway.
Then there is the issue of Siblings! For some lucky families, having a bunch of adult siblings gather around and plan how to take care of Mom and Dad as their parents’ health begins to fail is a great comfort. For some families, siblings who never got along as kids and have had little to do with each other as adults being thrown together to make touchy decisions is disastrous.
For most families, the journey through the mine of elder care decisions falls somewhere between the two extremes. Elder care has a way of sneaking up on people. Generally, if there is an adult child living in the same town as the aging parents, it is this child who becomes, at the first sign of need, the default caregiver. That usually makes sense. You live in town.
Even in seemingly harmonious families, the person who slowly became a default caregiver can start to feel resentful. The out-of-town siblings can conveniently slide into denial or even feel guilty for not being close by. Either way, they aren’t around to see how much help is needed. They see Mom and Dad occasionally, talk to them on the phone, and all seems well. The fact that you, the in-town sibling, are the reason everything is going so smoothly doesn’t really register with them.
This is a red flag for you. It’s time to stop and consider how you are, as a family, going to handle the spiraling needs of aging parents.
Unfortunately, the chances of a civil family meeting where you hash out the needs of your elders and agree who does what are, well, nil. I often will see caregivers stressing over siblings accusing them of spending too much of their parents money to care for their parents as well as pleas for help from the one sibling who has quit his or her job to care full time for an ailing parent being either ignored by siblings, or worse, being accused of predatory intentions because they are “running the show.”
Resentments nurtured at this time can poison family relationships for generations. If you are the default family caregiver, ask siblings for help early on. Let them know they are wanted (drop the martyr act).
If they have been given a chance and they refuse, Mediation is designed to solve family issues. Think about creating plans before the situation actually arises. It could be one of the best investments you’ve ever made for everyone involved.
Challenges of Special Needs Parenting
Challenges of Special Needs Parenting
The Grass is Not Always Greener on the Other Side
Special Needs Parenting can be a tough job and balance. Often times, parents, whether special needs or not will think that other parents have it better. FamilyAffaires.com Contributors, Christy Carlson and Debbie Schmidt of Just2Moms found themselves feeling that “the grass was greener” in each other’s home.
Debbie just sent her special needs son who has Asperger’s off to college and finds her self to be an empty nester. Christy just sent her oldest daughter to college and still has her special needs son at home. By their frank and honest conversation we learn that each carry their own worries and concerns.
Even if special needs parents look at parents that are not dealing with special needs, you will find that everyone has their own challenges in life.
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Building Resilience in the Face of Adversity
Building Resilience in the Face of Adversity
Resilience is the capacity to recover readily from depression, serious health problems, divorce, death, and other traumatic events. Even after devastating tragedies, individuals are able to bounce back from hard times, rebuild their lives, and emerge stronger. However, being resilient doesn’t mean going through life without experiencing distress and pain. It is common to react to hardships with emotional pain, grief, and a range of other emotions as well as a sense of uncertainty. Dr. Ron Breazeale notes, “Resilience does not involve avoiding one’s feelings, it involves confronting and managing them”.
The ongoing journey to resilience is often characterized by working through emotional distress and painful trials and tribulations. Research shows that those with high resilience also have a strong network of social support around them. The American Psychological Association reports several factors contribute to resilience, including:
- As noted above, the primary factor is having supportive relationships with family members, friends, and peers that build love and trust, provide nurturing, and offer encouragement and reassurance.
- The ability to manage and contain strong emotions including impulse control and frustration tolerance.
- A positive self-esteem and confidence in one’s strengths and abilities.
- Viewing oneself as resilient and in control.
- Looking for positive meaning in one’s life.
- The capacity to create realistic plans and take steps to reach one’s goals.
- Effective communication, problem solving, and coping skills.
- Cultural beliefs, traditions, and rituals that help us cope.
- Reaching out for help and relying on others.
Develop a personal strategy in building resilience. Find an approach that works well for you. The following considerations may assist you on your road to resilience.
Nurture Yourself: Take time to nurture and care for yourself. It’s easier to have a happy and positive outlook. Doing something physical is a great way to overcome a low mood. Your mind and body are connected, so get adequate sleep and learn some simple relaxation techniques. Most importantly, engage in activities you enjoy and find relaxing.
Manage Strong Feelings: Think clearly to be able to take action without behaving impulsively and responding only out of emotion. Managing strong feelings is a skill. Facing adversity requires a balance between both thinking and feeling.
View Problems as Possibilities: Be curious and change your perspective and how you respond to hardships. You can’t change the fact that misfortune happens. If you are having a hard time, remember the good times. Memories often reflect and reinforce our current mood. Use creative critical thinking skills to solve and find creative solutions. Avoid blowing things out of proportion. View your life in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective.
Understand Change is Part of Life: Learn to tolerate high levels of uncertainty and ambiguity. Remember the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer can help you focus on circumstances you can adjust.
Create Clear Attainable Goals: Working towards goals can give you a sense of purpose and reaching them increases your self-confidence. Knowing what is important to you can help you make sure you know where to focus your attention. Develop realistic goals and break them down into achievable steps. Small accomplishments propel you forward while building optimism. Be as precise as possible.
Reflect on Your Day: At the end of the day take five to ten minutes to consider what went well and what things you would do differently the next time. Be gentle with yourself remembering the words of John David Hoag, “There is no failure only feedback.”
Be Optimistic: An optimistic outlook helps you to maintain healthy expectations and hopefulness that good things will happen. View difficulties as temporary. Create an image of what you want to happen in your life and take decisive action.
Develop Confidence: Make a list of your strengths. Being aware of what you are good at helps build confidence. Believe in yourself and your abilities.
Reach out and Create Connections: Create a network of close family members, friends and community connections to turn to when facing adversities to get support and help. Develop a sense of belongingness by joining civic groups, faith–based organizations. Helping others may also benefit you.
Build Special Interests: Engaging in opportunities of self-discovery builds a sense of meaning and purpose in life as well as enriches your life. Share your experiences, passion, and knowledge with others.
As you can see, there are a handful of effective ways to be more resilient and cope with hardships. Once you are able to overcome the obstacles in your life, you will be a happier, stronger, more focused, and more optimistic individual. Face the change with resilience and strength, and good outcomes are near.
The Great Lie About Grief
The Great Lie About Grief
by Peter Mangola~
Most everyone has heard of the stages of grief. They are everywhere in our society. This model dictates that in order to grieve properly, a person who has recently lost a loved one will go through the following stages in a neat order:
Most everyone has heard of the stages of grief. They are everywhere in our society. This model dictates that in order to grieve properly, a person who has recently lost a loved one will go through the following stages in a neat order:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
We all “know” as a society that the stages of grief are inviolate and we all proceed through them (at varying paces certainly), but we all proceed through them in order, whether we intend to or not.
Sometimes people flash through the first few and get stuck for years on the fourth; “NOOO! How could God have let this happen?!? God, please, I’ll give anything if you just…” and then months of sullen silence.
Sometimes, people get stuck bargaining, and spend weeks on their knees in church, praying for the return of their loved one. ‘Healthy’ grief is grief that moves rapidly through the stages before settling on acceptance and allowing the bereaved to move forward.
Except…not really
There is a problem with the stages of grief model, however. The stages are not only unreal, but they tend to actively hurt the people who are grieving. The truth is there is no set pattern to human grief. And more importantly, there is no wrong way to grieve.
The stages of grief were first laid out by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. But these were not intended to be the stages of grief as a generic emotional event. They were actually the stages of the acceptance of one’s own impending death. That is a far cry from being a description of all grief. But this is only the beginning of the problems with the concept.
From an interview with Kübler-Ross:
“It took three weeks of sitting at my desk late at night…before I figured out the book. Then I saw very clearly how all of my dying patients, in fact everyone who suffers a loss, went through similar stages. They started off with shock and denial, rage and anger, then grief and pain. Later they bargained with God. They got depressed, asking ‘Why me?’ And finally they withdrew into themselves for a bit, separating themselves from others while hopefully reaching a stage of peace and acceptance.”
Three weeks of writer’s block is where the stages of grief actually came from. It turns out that even Kübler-Ross’ subsequent book On Grief and Grieving brings up the five stages, but couples them with the caveat that they do not always happen in the same order (which begs the question ‘why call them stages at all?’)
The Damage Caused
The problem with the notion of the ‘stages’ of grief is twofold. First, it implies that there is a ‘wrong way’ to grieve. For example, if you were never angry about your loved one’s death, you are somehow ‘holding back’ or ‘keeping in’ something that needs to come out.
Second, it creates an implicit schedule; if you are not grieving for long enough along this prescribed route, you are not actually ‘doing right’ by the deceased. As though being in pain is somehow honoring your loved one. Wouldn’t they rather see you honoring them by celebrating their accomplishments and remembering them affectionately?
In 2008, psychologist Dale Lund of the California State University surveyed nearly 300 recently-bereaved senior citizens, and found that in 75% of respondents, the level of laughter and humor in their daily lives was significantly higher than anticipated.
However, by emphasizing the negative emotions that grief causes in our daily lives, the Kübler-Ross stages have taught us that we are not allowed to celebrate the lives of our loved ones. Instead, we are supposed to go through ‘healthy’ periods of anger and depression. This has, in turn, caused our society to view people who are capable of celebrating as somehow bad or wrong.
This idea can be devastating, because it tends to punish the people who are doing what is best for their own well-being, while rewarding the people who are drawing out their suffering.
The simple fact is that there is no wrong way to grieve, and if you decide you want to spend your time being grateful for the relationship you had, you are going to be a much more valuable person to those you have left. The idea that it is mandatory for someone to deliberately undermine their quality of life by being angry, depressed, and aloof is not just silly, it can be downright destructive.
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